The Food Chain

Geoff Nicholson is a highly prolific writer, yet this is my first exposure to his work. As such, it was something of a revelation, although I don't believe that's quite the proper term. A quick glance over Nicholson's body of work reveals something of a preoccupation with sex, an impression well-backed-up by this book.

The Food Chain is primarily a book about a well-aged old boys' hangout known as "The Everlasting Club". Britain's past is full of such clubs, and in fact perhaps the best known and most infamous, the Hellfire Club, is mentioned in this book as a contemporary of this fictional organization, each with their own array of dark secrets.

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An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."

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A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man". As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."

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A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew that he had ever eaten. "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What kind of meat is it?" "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."

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A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"

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A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, "Hi, honey, I'm home." There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 8. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when I get home."

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The Snack Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. And am I not the master of my own?
— L. L. Zeiger


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