Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he come immediately to see something very unusual.
"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame society. Society made me what I am today!" "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk like me." "It still... hurts... auugghh!" "You're going to be okay..." "...gurgle..." "... maybe not."
"How'd you get that flat?" "Ran over a bottle." "Didn't you see it?" "Damn kid had it under his coat."
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!" "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." "Four hours to bury a cat!?" "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." "Oh, it's not dead then." "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be on the safe side." "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?"
Monty Python's Flying Circus
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my dog's stuck in its throat."
A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his brother and inquires after his pet. "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic processes is head is lost.
Monty Python's Flying Circus Dead Parrot Sketch