animal

Heisei Tanuki Gassen Pompoko

Innocent hippies and young children everywhere can be expected to enjoy Heisei Tanuki Gassen Pompoko, a rather bizarre story from famed Studio Ghibli and written and directed by Isao Takahata (Hotaru no haka/Grave of the Fireflies, Rupan sansei/Lupin III). It tells the story of some lovable yet fierce Tanuki, the "racoon-dogs" of Japan, who are being chased out of their homes by urban development.

This story has a PG rating which stems from basically two elements; first, there is continual (if minor) violence from the tanuki, as well as continual incitement by some of the tanuki to wage open war against the humans, and they regularly engage in what can only literally be termed acts of terrorism.

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You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" "Uh-huh." "Did we, uh, fool around?" "Uh-huh." "Lord, I must have been tight!" "Not any more."

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Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
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The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
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The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator sport. The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for castrating pigs during Sunday service.
— Mike Harding
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People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and then...
— Hunter Thompson

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Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they shout, too): "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
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You beast

One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
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One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
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