The Food Chain

Geoff Nicholson is a highly prolific writer, yet this is my first exposure to his work. As such, it was something of a revelation, although I don't believe that's quite the proper term. A quick glance over Nicholson's body of work reveals something of a preoccupation with sex, an impression well-backed-up by this book.

The Food Chain is primarily a book about a well-aged old boys' hangout known as "The Everlasting Club". Britain's past is full of such clubs, and in fact perhaps the best known and most infamous, the Hellfire Club, is mentioned in this book as a contemporary of this fictional organization, each with their own array of dark secrets.

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One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
— Eddie Currents

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You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you up in the bar last night?" "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. "Did I bring you home?" "Uh-huh." "Did we, uh, fool around?" "Uh-huh." "Lord, I must have been tight!" "Not any more."

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"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. "We did."

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While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets and food. All it will cost you is a little love."

Oh, no, you won't

"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," said the guy aggressively.

"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town."

"Oh, no, you won't."

"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."

"Oh, no, you won't."

"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."

"Oh, no, you're not."

"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.

— Unknown

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When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
— Cynthia Hemiel

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Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days." Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"

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Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether."


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