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The Food Chain

Geoff Nicholson is a highly prolific writer, yet this is my first exposure to his work. As such, it was something of a revelation, although I don't believe that's quite the proper term. A quick glance over Nicholson's body of work reveals something of a preoccupation with sex, an impression well-backed-up by this book.

The Food Chain is primarily a book about a well-aged old boys' hangout known as "The Everlasting Club". Britain's past is full of such clubs, and in fact perhaps the best known and most infamous, the Hellfire Club, is mentioned in this book as a contemporary of this fictional organization, each with their own array of dark secrets.

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If I were to die

A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were to die, would you remarry?"

After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."

The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"

"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."

"Well, would you live in this house?"

"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. I've always loved it here."

"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"

"No."

"Why not?"

— Unknown
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The Hilton doesn't mind

Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

— Unknown

Okay. It's your wife.

With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.

"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.

"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."

"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, "Okay. It's your wife."

"My wife!!"

"Yeah."

"What about her?"

— Unknown

Oh, no, you won't

"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," said the guy aggressively.

"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.

"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in town."

"Oh, no, you won't."

"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."

"Oh, no, you won't."

"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."

"Oh, no, you're not."

"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.

"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.

— Unknown

What's the trouble

While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. "Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"

"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"

"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and then. We're trying to catch her."

"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you carrying a bucket of sand?"

— Unknown
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