Star Trek: Drunk Trek

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Drunk Trek Rules: Version 6.1

(Stardate 9302.11) HTML version 9412.07

By Dan Sissman, Chris Aylott, Toby Elliott, Jonathan Young and various other redshirts.

These rules were originally inspired by a document entitled "Star Trek Drinking Game Rules" compiled by David Vangerov of UCSC.1 This is NOT an updated version of those rules, but a completely different document. These rules are far more comprehensive, and are so complex they border on sentience. If you use them properly, you too will border on sentience by the end of an episode.

As Star Trek evolves, so shall Drunk Trek (hopefully). New rules are constantly being accepted. If you have a staggeringly brilliant idea for a rule, send it to: jonyoung@panix.com

These rules are officially maintained by WARP - the Williams Association of Role-Players. This version is not the latest 'official' release from WARP but represents the pinnacle of Star Trek Drinking Technology when I graduated. Nobody in WARP: The Next Generation has sent me version seven so I am maintaining this document privately.

The material contained herein is a trademark-copyrighted-semi-public-domain-shareware-trade-secret. Any distribution of these rules must be done in a non-profit fashion or the culprit will be transported into the middle of a Klingon slam-dancing contest. (Klingons will be placed within an episode of Mama's Family.) Any similarity to beings living, dead, or otherwise is strictly in good fun, so loosen up, already!

I: GENERAL

1: PRIME DIRECTIVE: Keep in mind, the "rules" presented herein are ONLY GUIDELINES! Feel free to ignore any of them, or to create new ones on the spur of the moment. Remember, you never really NEED an excuse to drink while watching Trek. This is not a competition, merely an exercise in art appreciation. No wagering, please.

1a: COROLLARY: The only rule you must absolutely, positively, not in any way violate, ignore or throw out (aside from this one) is Rule Number 1.

1b: ACCEPTABLE TRADITIONAL BEVERAGES: Beer (OldSwill preferred), Sgt. Peppers1, Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters, Saurian Brandy. Basically, anything but Boors2.
ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATE BEVERAGES: Anything except Diet Choke. Orange Juice and Mello Yello (the drink of the nineties) preferred.

1c: WEIGHTS AND MEASURES: a "drink" is officially defined as: the precise amount of liquid refreshment the imbiber finds adequate to his needs as expressed at the moment of drinking. In English: Whatever the hell you feel like, from a fractional swallow to an oceanic chug. The words "drink" and "shot" will be used interchangeably throughout these rules. Some rules omit the word "drink" entirely. This does not excuse viewers from their duty.

1d: SOCIAL DRINKING: Drinking should be as social an activity as watching Trek. When a player says "Social". . . Drink! Drink twice, if a character says the word "social".

2: NOMENCLATURE: Players may only refer to the program as "Trek" . The names "Trek Classic", in the case of the series starring John Winston as Lt. Kyle, or "New Trek", in the case of the series starring Jennifer Barlow as Ensign Gibson, are also acceptable. Spin-offs should be referred to by a short meaningless abbreviation, i.e. DS9. Penalty shots are to be handed out to anyone referring to the show as "Star Trek" or "Deep Space Nine". The game is to be referred to as "Drunk Trek" or "D.T." Players are to be referred to as "Drunk Trekkers" (In the case of hard-core players with regular attendance and a profound understanding of the deepest meanings of Trek), as "Drunk Trekkies" (In the case of semi- regulars who generally care more about the hydrodynamics of keg-tapping than the functioning of a Jeffries Tube), or as "Drunk Trekkists" (In the case of visitors who just want to get wildly drunk). The participants may be collectively referred to as "The D.T.'s".

3: OPENING THEME: Players are strongly encouraged to recite the opening narrative and sing (to the best of their abilities) along with the theme song. For shows without opening narratives, make one up - be creative. Whenever the Enterprise whooshes by, players should follow and imitate its motion or inertial effects with their heads, simultaneously making the appropriate "whoosh" noise. (We know this sounds really silly on paper, but trust us, it works.)

3a: CREDITS: Players should cheer or boo names in the credits where appropriate. Writers should get the benefit of the doubt. The absence of a certain teenage vunderkind may be celebrated during the noticeable pause in the credits.

3b: THE GREAT BIRD: Anyone booing Gene Roddenberry will be pelted with garbage and forcibly ejected. It is recommended that players remove any headgear (hats, toupees, the feet of the person sitting behind them etc..) and place their hands on their chest in memoriam.

3c: EPISODE TITLES: In Most Trek and Next Generation episodes, the episode title is either explicitly mentioned in, or derived from, a character line. Drink when this occurs, twice if it was stolen from Shakespeare. Drink on first appearance of the title if it was stolen from somewhere else (eg. Conscience of the King, The Schizoid Man).

3d: VIRGINS IN SPACE: At this point, as the local station cuts to the post-opening-credit-commercials, first time D.T.'s chug.

4: GOLDEN SHOWER: Tradition calls for finished beverage cans (no bottles please!) to be hurled into a convenient front corner of the room. Occasionally, said cans are hurled prematurely, to the distress of those watching in the front ranks. Thrower drinks. Spraying the television counts double.

5: THE POKER FLATS/ SINCLAIR LEWIS/ 57 Varieties UNWRITTEN MEMORIAL RULE: (Consult a founding father privately for information regarding this rule.)

6: ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH: When a Starfleet crewman gets toasted, players should intone the appropriate litany and imbibe a ritual shot:

If the Shirt is Red, the (Man is, Woman's) dead.
If the Shirt is Blue, the (Man is, Woman's) stew.
If the Shirt is (Yellow, he's one dead fellow/
Gold, she's just been told).

Players are strongly encouraged to make up a new rhyme in the event of a different color appearing. The flow of alcohol may help with this... Note that the word "Shirt" is non- negotiable, even if the victim is wearing a jumpsuit or tunic. Feminine forms as indicated are acceptable if the victim was female. Neuter forms are only acceptable in the case of a neuter species. Also note that security personnel and other expendable types are to be referred to throughout the program as "Redshirts" regardless of garb.

Players may find it useful to familiarize themselves with the "Redshirt freeze." Many special effects, especially those of the el cheapo variety, require a still image. Consequently, redshirts often seem unnaturally still immediately before they go to the Great Security Deck in the Sky.

7: INERTIALS (SHIPSHAKE): Whenever the Enterprise's inertial dampers are on the fritz (i.e. the camera shakes) players must rock spasmodically in sympathy. One player should rock in the wrong direction. Standing players should grab any nearby object (couches, tables, upright lamps, people who just wandered into the room) for support.

8: CLYDE'S CLASSICAL CLICHE CLAUSE: "Your weapons are useless here."; "You're my guests." Followed or preceded by "We're your prisoners."; "Resistance is useless". Drink.

9: PETER PRINCIPLE OF STARFLEET RANK: Drink whenever a stupid commodore appears, twice if he takes control of the ship. Also applies whenever a character exceeds his/her authority (eg Lt. Commander Shelby). Also drink when guest admirals have uniforms noticeably shoddier than the regular cast's.

10: THE PHYSICS MAJOR REALITY CHECK (PMRC): Whenever a clear physical impossibility occurs, it is the sovereign privilege and duty of any physics major or other science geek to call it. Everyone drinks.

10a: THE NON-PHYSICS MAJOR CHECKS AND BALANCES REFEREEING SYSTEM: When General Order TEN (the PMRC) is invoked, anybody who can rationalize said impossibility to the satisfaction of all others present can make everybody (himself included, if so desired) drink again, except the caller of General Order TEN, who shall drink twice. Note: If the physics-major-type- geek-person-entity invoked rule 10 in reference to a physical impossibility which actually occurred in the viewing room and not on the program, nobody may invoke rule 10a.

11: OH NO! NOT THE ______! : Whenever a character says a particularly ominous phrase (eg. "Captain, I have invoked Starfleet Code Seventeen"), manages to correctly use a complicated (made up or otherwise) scientific term ("The hyperonic radiation is interfering with the transporter, sir") or refers to a wonderfully named device ("Yes, use the purple cloud"), players should immediately respond with "Oh no! Not Starfleet Code Seventeen/ Not hyperonic radiation/ Not the purple cloud" Drink.

11a: OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT DOES: Drink whenever someone explains the function of one of the items mentioned above. Also drink when someone from a backwards culture misunderstands such an item, or mispronounces its name.

11b: YOU JUST INITIATED WHAT?!: Drink whenever the self destruct sequence is activated.

12: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER: Starfleet's rigorous training ensures that any competent Starfleet officer is able to deal with equipment lists, cargo manifests, and menus. Whenever a character rattles off a list players should finish it by singing out (in unison) "And a partridge in a pear tree". Drink - you've earned it. In addition, officers are expected to deal with large numbers. Drink when they can't handle these and are forced to give each number individually (Captain, now in range of Starbase One-Five-Nine) or are forced to refer to 1 to any power.

13: THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE MEAT: In the future, all sciences and arts have progressed far beyond our wimpy capabilities, and the culinary arts are no exception. Horribly inefficient foodstuffs, such as roast turkey and king crab legs have been replaced by two much healthier types of nutrition: the Multicolored Synthesized Food Substitute Cubes and the Typical Nauseating Alien Delicacy. Drink anytime a Starfleet officer eats one of these items.

13a: COMPUTER, POUR ME ANOTHER: In seeming rebellion of rule 13, drinks of all types proliferate throughout the galaxy, from water at any desired temperature to Klingon kill-a- Romulan-at-fifteen-paces alcohol. Drink whenever a character drinks, twice if it's Scotty. Drink for prune juice.

14: SOCIAL SCIENCES MAJOR REALITY CHECK: In addition to the many physical impossibilities of Trek (see General Order 10, above), Star Trek also often presents alien races and cultures who could never have possibly existed, much less developed space travel. It is the right of any student of one of the "squishy" subjects, to groan loudly and decry this crime. Everyone Drinks.

15: POWERS AND ABILITIES BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or the Deus Ex Trekkus rule): Players should drink whenever a character appears who has god-like supernatural talents. Examples: Charlie X., Trelayne, Apollo, The Q, Gary Mitchell, etc.

15a: POWERS AND ABILITIES BELOW THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or: I'm not as think as you dumb I am): The Enterprise occasionally encounters aliens who, in the face of severe limitations in intelligence, firepower, and good looks, attempt to buck the Federation authority. Drink.

15b: ALIENS WHO THINK WHO THE HELL THEY ARE: Not to be confused with Deus Ex Trekkus, this rule comes into effect whenever an alien race refers to humans as "primitive". While there is obviously considerable overlap between the two rules, some aliens are clearly mega-powerful without rubbing our noses in it (Trelayne's parents), while others, despite what they think of themselves, are really wimpy aliens we could toast with one phaser bank tied behind our backs (Talosians, Velarans).

15c: DO YOU WANT ME TO TEST MY THEORY OUT ON YOUR HEAD?: Drink whenever a "primitive" human manages to gain the upper hand with either a rule 15 or 15b alien.

16: WE CAN BUILD A BETTER OFFICER: Starfleet academy prides itself on the quality of its product. Officers who graduate from there are expected to be physically fit and capable of dealing diplomatically with any situation. Drink for poorly choreographed (any) fights.

16a: BUT THEN WE'D BE NO BETTER THAN THEY ARE: In addition to turning out physically fit specimens, Starfleet officers are expected to have an immaculate moral code. Drink whenever a character delivers a Particularly Moralistic Soliloquy (PMS) or a Supremely Philosophical Added Moral (SPAM), twice if it's a starship captain.

16b: IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING THAT I DO: Starfleet officers are also expected to make the ultimate sacrifice (usually, it seems, whenever possible). Drink when one volunteers to (especially Kirk - "No Trelayne, take it out on me, not my crew").

16c: I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR: The final oath any officer leaving the academy must take is to uphold the prime directive. Drink to flagrant violations of this oath.

16d: SMILE, PLEASE: Starfleet crewmen are expected to comport themselves well, keeping their emotions to themselves. However, this training sometimes fails badly and the result is a shit-eating grin (SEG). Drink to any male crew member wearing one.

16e: HAIR: This brings us to the rather touchy subject of hair, the only area in which there has been no progress since the 20th century. Drink to cats on heads (especially Bill Shatner's), cheesy toupees, hippy hairstyles and truly ungodly headglare off of bald spots. [Certain founding fathers would like to take this opportunity to point out how much more manly, more stylish, more... bearded people become, and certainly how a beard has made Riker a more thoughtful and mature sentient. Geordi too.]

17: IF IT'S TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE TELEPATHY: Starfleet officers are, as previously mentioned, the chosen representatives of their Federation, the pinnacle of cultural and biological achievement. This has inspired a tremendous envy among other sentients. What they cannot have, they always want, and fortunately the vast preponderance of mental powers and utter lack of psi shields in the Trek universe allows them to take. Drink whenever a Starfleet officer is mentally tortured, mind dominated, or simply taken over. Chug if the same thing happened the last time you watched Trek.

18: IT SOUNDS KIND OF CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK: The Enterprise has a long history of putting to the test procedures that "have never been tested before", "are only based on theory" or are "still in the experimental stage". Its the least we can do to raise a toast to these intrepid pioneers, without whom there would have been no major technological advances since the 21st century.

19: BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT RULE: Whenever a character says the word "excellent" players should make the appropriate air guitar gestures (with sound effects). Yes, it IS stupid, but we like it. Drink.

20: THE DARONE CODICIL: ANY reference to the period of "Twenty minutes" will be greeted by loud cheering, rude noises and the immediate consumption of all beverages in hand. A boisterous cry of "TWENty MINutes" shall ring out. Anyone failing to do so will be forced to watch twenty minutes of Space: 1999. Yes, we do believe in cruel and unusual punishment.

21: SATURDAY NIGHT STARFLEET: Drink to really funky psychedelia, whether intentional or not. This includes really multicolored star patterns that appear out of viewports (sometimes even when the ship is stationary). Drink when characters appear dressed for these occasions.

22: THE TWO-AND-ONE RULE: A classic writer's tactic when introducing a new or unfamiliar name or concept is to place it alongside two familiar ones, eg: "The philosophical greats: Plato, Socrates and Surak". Drink.

23: A WISE MAN ONCE SAID: Drink to all line echoes, without which the program would not be 47 minutes long. Also, drink to all Trek Classic references in TNG

24: RANK HATH ITS PRIVILEGES: Whenever a landing party/away team/bridge complement is subjected to attack by a sonic blast/pain field/knockout gas/mind squisher, the ranking officer is always the last to fall unconscious. Drink.

25: PROFOUND GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS: Drink.

26: JUST POINT AND SHOOT: In the future all forms of equipment maintenance and adjustment have been streamlined to require only two simple devices. The mysterious handheld device/tricorder that blinks and works and the new improved coherent-beam-with-tasteful-sparkles flashlight. Drink for gratuitous usage of these devices on both equipment and crew.

27: DON'T DO THAT—YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT ANGRY: Drink whenever the most advanced Federation weapons hit an enemy or obstacle but have no noticeable effect.

28: ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A LIGHT: Thanks to budget increases in New Trek and simple bloody-mindedness in Classic, spaceships, starbases and planets explode (with appropriate light and sound effects) with alarming regularity. Players should immediately toast its passing with a shout of "No! Bud Light!" and a drink.

29: NO I'D BETTER GO DOWN AND CHECK THIS OUT MYSELF: Drink whenever the conn changes hands.

30: MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN: We all know to whom a starship captain is married. Drink to any references to the ship as "mine", "she" or "her", long panning shots of the Enterprise and any time Kirk or Riker (who is temporarily breveted to the rank of captain for this rule) commit adultery (We honestly didn't anticipate Picard doing this, but, a toast when he does). This rule does not apply to DS9, the station just isn't that sexy.

31: I'M SORRY DAVE...: Drink whenever a character receives a negative response (NR) from one of the ship's devices, or whenever a device that would produce a simple resolution of the plot is rendered inoperable by forces beyond the crew's control (eg. hyperonic radiation).

32: MY OTHER UNIFORM IS IN THE WASH: The Spandex in Space principle applies in full force here. Drink when a character appears in a particularly hideous example of futuristic fashions including, but not limited to, anything seen on (or off) of Troi (either), Picard's 24th Century speedo and studmuffin shirt. This does not apply to characters whose normal garb is not generally considered a uniform, but does apply to non-starfleet personnel. Chug to any Ferengi vacation garb.

33: IS THAT A PICKLE IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST SEEKING JAMAHARON? In spite of centuries of social development, people in Star Trek occasionally need to express dissatisfaction with another. (See the Peter Principle of Starfleet Rank) This is expressed in the Star Trek universe in two ways.

33a: RIMMER, YOU ARE A SMEGHEAD: Thanks to those wonderful people, the censors, who make our lives full of joy and realism, characters are also pure of language. No four letter words here. There are, of course, ways around this. Drink whenever someone swears in an alien language, or uses a completely new swear word.

33b: KIND OF COLD IN HERE, ISN'T IT? Even when the universal translators are on the fritz again, all sentient races possess the unique ability to convey contempt with a single glance. Drink. Drink twice if the species in question has no apparent visual sensory apparatus.

34: WHAT'S THAT TUNE? KINDA CATCHY, ISN'T IT? Occasionally, the Trek theme music actually appears within a scene, not as incidental music, but as music which the characters are able to hear. Drink.

35: MODERN ANCIENT HISTORY: Drink whenever a character refers to the hopelessly backward practices or triumph-over- incredible-odds days of the late twentieth century. Also drink whenever a new starship appears whose name blatantly refers to the modern era. [U.S.S. Steven Hawking]

36: THE APOLOGETICA: We're sorry. Really. Honest. Drink whenever a female starship captain or admiral appears.

37: KLINGON HEADBANGER'S BALL: Whenever Klingons (or any other suitably violent race) bang their heads together, all present must grunt "unh". Drink.

38: BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: As more and more people play an increasingly greater role in the world of Trek, it will become increasingly likely that players will recognize certain names in the closing credits as friends or relatives. Players drink whenever someone in the audience spots one such. Players drink twice if someone in the audience has the same name as someone in the credits. Player whose name appears chugs.
P.S. First & last name please - no partial credit!

II: TECHNICAL DRINKS:

1: THEY DON'T BUILD SPACESHIPS LIKE THEY USED TO: Drink to all production flails, including (but not limited to): Hands appearing in shuttlecraft doors, human body parts visible in aliens, duct tape on the set, reuse of old footage, slowed down footage (Cap'n we canna extend the show for long enough!), invisible spacecraft (only in Classic - TNG has enough budget to be able to avoid this if it wants to), erratic Enterprise establishing shots (EEES), shifting stars while motionless, symmetrical starfields, stars visible through planets and starships, bad mattes, continuity flails (shot to shot - character flails are elsewhere). Another day, another Phaser port.

2: STOCK MUSIC: "Spock's Theme", "Cheesy Fight Theme", "Pursuit Theme", "Lust Theme", "Insult Theme", hippy/Spock jam session in "Way to Eden" (chug), muted-horn-nostalgia Trek theme.

3: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT: Bad fades, Bad cuts, freezes, spontaneous rewinds, Worf WXXA plug.

4: AMY PRICE MEMORIAL RULE & OTHER ADS: any ad for the armed forces, loser lines, NYNEX commercials (twice if someone gets a new one before the end), Hefty/wimpy, DHL flying trucks, Keystone, Joe Isuzu, Don't Think-Just Drink, Energizer Bunny, Listerine/Tazan Boy, any ad that features an appearance by a well-known celebrity, any ad that prostitutes good music, any repeated ad (add one drink for each appearance).
Double drink when a Trek cast member is caught lowering him/herself to the pathetic limitations of a commercial-- voiceovers, etc. When actually appearing, if you aren't gagging, chug.

4a: WE DIDN'T START THE SERIES: True participants in the spirit of D.T. will immediately attempt to join in any plugs for Trek seen while watching another program. Although it is likely that players will be caught without an appropriate beverage, it is important that the players attempt to make a drinking motion and make complete fools of themselves just as though an actual episode of Trek was on.

III: DEEP SPACE NINE : THE SPIN-OFF

GENERAL ORDERS: Assume all regular D.T. rules apply plus the following additionals. (For the purposes of Deep Space Nine only the normal commandment to drink whenever the word "Cardassian" is mentioned is revoked. See we can be humane now and again)

1: WHAT'S THE MATTER? NEVER SEEN THE HAND OF GOD BEFORE? Drink whenever the wormhole opens (we know, stop whining and drink.) Drink twice if anyone comments how beautiful it is. Chug if the immediate reply is "we don't know what's out there"

2: WHERE'S ODO? The first player to call what seemingly innocuous item on camera is actually Clayton is exempt from the drink that occurs whenever he shapechanges. Incorrect guessers must take penalty shots. Optional codicil: Whenever Odo returns to his humanoid form call out "Wonder Odo powers... DE-activate" and drink.

3: TREK NOIR: An enhancement of the standard "Negative Response" drink. DS9 makes a sometimes inordinate effort to demonstrate its dark and gritty nature. Drink whenever anything doesn't work. Twice if it's Sisko's coffee.

4: STARSHIP? WHO NEEDS A STARSHIP? Drink whenever the stock footage of the station's thrusters firing is used. Drink twice if the station is being moved by some mysterious force especially towards the wormhole.

5: HAVE WE MET? Drink to any sudden and gratuitous appearances of characters from regular Trek (alternate nomenclature for fans of DS9 - Trek Light) Drink for on screen comparisons of the two.

  • Sisko: The amazing, dancing face; Pontificates.
  • Odo: Any pail references; fails to understand humanoids; noses.
  • Kira: Flagrant overacting; shouts at someone standing next to her.
  • Dax: Previous life flashbacks; dates; swoons.
  • Colm: Talks about "the Captain" or the Enterprise, rolls up his sleeves.
  • Quark: Lusts; masterminds.
  • Bashir: Is demonstrated to be something other than an idiot; Starfleet Medical Finals; bitches about not graduating first in his class.
  • Jake: Completes the other half of the Bashir/Jake combinatorial Welsey; gets in trouble.
  • Garrik: Simply Garrik.

IV: RACIAL SUBSECTION:

General: Drink to any and all races (over and above these specific cases) who, when alone, and for no apparent reason, chose to speak english amongst themselves. Also drink to pathetically bad latex on forehead. If the special effects crew gets worked up enough to include non-humanoid races drink till it hurts. Suspiciously Convenient Anatomical Retroactive-continuity (SCAR) - Drink. Sudden introduction of plot essential aliens (e.g. Binars) Chug for reappearance of any such alien (Silicon Entity) Chug if it's the Packlets. Just cause.

Klingons: any appearance of non-warrior types (secretaries, accountants, phone sanitizers - whatever.) Any "Klingons do not ...." line. Any sign of cowardice.

Romulans: Romulan language? What Romulan language? Drink to any blatant failure of Federation Intelligence regarding Romulans. Drink to Cheesy Roman References. Truly Ungodly Shoulder-pads (TUSH)

Vulcans: Illogical rituals. Convenient twisting of logic for their own ends. Nerve pinch on never before encountered aliens. (Twice if said aliens appear to have no neck)

Cardassians: Drink

Ferengi: Drink for Ferengi sex references. Any "we keep our women decently naked" line. Drink for chairs. Acting far too stupid to have achieved star travel much less be the main villains of the series/episode.

Horta: Chug for new appearance... anywhere.

Q: Any reference to the Continuum; gratuitous appearance of another Q; Pretty much anything he does, really.

Borg: Any "they're unstoppable" line. Drink whenever a Borg begins a song and dance number. Twice if it's any good.

V: TREK CLASSIC SUBSECTION:

CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:

General: Mispronunciation of a character's name. Reference to a factor of 1 to any power.

Kirk: Any angered sentence ending with "mister"; "Standard orbit"; "You've earned your pay for the week"; "I want answers"; "We come in peace"; "(Set) phasers on stun"; "Captain's Log... "(twice if its supplemental); "I love you" ; "Warp factor 2, Mr. Sulu"; "Spocko".

Spock: "Fascinating"; "(Il)logical"; any raised eyebrow; "Jim"; "It's life, but not as we know it"; sarcastic remarks (e.g... Very good - reason with him, Captain)

Bones: "I'm a doctor, not a ___"; "He (She, It)'s dead Jim!"; snarling about the transporter; any anti-Vulcan comment or particularly irritable crack; slips back into his southern accent.

Scotty: Flagrant accent flails (FAF); "Tha's impossible ca'n!"; any overload explosion prediction.

Chekov: FAF; inaccurate Russian history claims; grimaces while firing ship's weapons.

Sulu: Any countdown; announcement of unusually high warp speeds.

Uhura: "I'm frightened, Captain"; "Hailing frequencies open."

Computer: "Work-ing"; "Affirm-ative"; "Neg-ative".

2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:

Kirk: Hits a woman; has his shirt damaged, torn or removed; uses Illogic 101 on a computer; uses the two-handed fist; mid-season spread; defeats a way superior opponent in a fight; seriously ungodly overacting; stud duty (twice if he's seen pulling his boots on afterward). Severe soft focus for beautiful ladies.

Spock: Looks into his "peep show machine" (nomenclature courtesy of David Vangerov); mind melds; nerve pinches; Vulcan sex references; convenient knowledge no one else has; builds computers from "stone knives and bearskins"; emotes; plays his lyrette.

Bones: Anytime he's on the bridge doing nothing when crewmen are injured; uses his salt shakers; tests someone on the footpedal device.

Scotty: Does the impossible (Scotty has full PMRC immunity). Hairdo of the Week.

Chekov: Gets zapped, stung, hit, shot, burned or otherwise molested; screams.

Sulu: Another day, another hobby.

Uhura: Sings, falls the wrong way during shipshake.

Riley: Sings (chug, you'll need it).

VI: NEXT GENERATION SUBSECTION:

1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:

Picard: "Make it so"; "Engage"; "Captain's Log.." (Twice if supplemental); Shakespearian quotes (Chug if they're mangled).

Riker: Questions one of Picard's orders. Uses a Picardism.

Data: "Inquiry"; flagrantly fails to use a contraction; Encyclopedia Datannica; denies his humanity.

Troi: "I feel . . ."; "He's telling the truth, or at least he thinks he is"

Worf: Any "I just don't understand humans" line; polite conversation; any angered line ending with an added "sir"; snarling as converstion.

Wesley: Says something naive; any "Golly gee" type line.

Q: "Microbrain", "Ouch?".

Lwaxana Troi: "Little One"; "Mr. Woof"; announces marriage.

Bev: "I can't isolate it"; "I don't know".

Geordi: "Whoa"

2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:

General: Drink to any blantent attempt to maintain continuity with the rest of Trek with retroactive rewriting.

Picard: Looks silly or loses temper around children; laughs; is hung upon or hangs up communications; has a book; is obsessively neat; Slugs someone. "The Picard Maneuver" -tugging on shirt bottom as he sits/stands; Is a mind-slut [Oh Sarek, you big brain you. Mind-meld me.]

Riker: Strokes beard; Kirklike behavior; smirks; straddles a chair; looks clueless; end of scene noble closeup; Pretends to be a sensitive 90s kind of guy. [Drink twice if bearded members of the audience are caught trying to be sensitive 90s guys]

Data: Looks silly when he tries to be human; another day, another art project; gets interrupted or told to shut up; is described as something other than an android or is accused of being human.

Troi: Betazed sex references; actually does her job; is respected by other crew members for no discernable reason.

Geordi: Takes VISOR off or otherwise loses it; sweats like hell; dates.

Tasha: squints, dies, shows up again.

Worf: Gets thumped by someone or something; Klingon mating rituals; snarlingas a high form of conversation; Klingon cultural superiority; appears in something other than the "Little-Lord Fauntleroy" hair.

Alexander: Gets a new set of parents; holodeck warrior training.

Bev Crusher: Does something awesome; worries about Wesley not having a "normal" childhood.

Pulaski: McCoyish behavior; interrupts somebody; uses transporter (oops!) Is even mentioned past season three.

Wesley: Saves the Enterprise; gets hit on by a fly babe; dies or finally gets developed into a worthwhile character (Well, we can hope, can't we?); ridiculous plot twists to keep him in the series. Is even mentioned by another character.

Q: Changes outfits; faces someone or gets faced; flagrantly awesome use of power; use of 20th century humor.

Commander Tomalok: shows his "Oh dear, where did that come from?" face.

Lwaxana Troi: Refuses to speak/communicate aloud.

Gowron: Uses his Roger-rabbit eyes; mysteriously becomes a much better tactician and leader in the middle of an episode; has his association with Picard mentioned when he isn't even in the episode.

VII: MOTION PICTURE SUBSECTION:

General: One-Liner Applause Scenes (OAS); Revived character cliches

Kirk: gets demythologized; double drink if he defeats a way superior opponent in combat - he is getting on folks; Leers at Considerably Younger Squaws (LACYS); velcro comes undone; loses a ship; someone demands his execution.

Spock: Falls catatonic; swears; dies.

Bones: Shows a fine sense of historical irony; Vulcanizes.

Scotty: Gets fat; sabotages a Federation ship; talks to a mouse.

Chekov: see Trek classic

Sulu: Flies something he could never have possibly flown before, gets a command (ST VI you're our only hope!).

Uhura: Gets fat (but not as fat as Scotty).

Decker: Becomes eligible for General Order 15; looks longingly at Ilia.

David: Dies.

Ilia: Sexually overpowers someone with her seductively bald head; reminds people of her vow; metallic speech.

Saavik: Suddenly becomes a much flatter, duller character between movies; dies or gets re-replaced by Kirstie Alley (Still hoping...)

Kruge: Just try to find an excuse not to drink when Christopher Lloyd is on screen!

Maltz: Just because he's John Larroquette.

Stiles: Does something prissy.

NOTES

1: For those unfamiliar with this obscure yet superior beverage, it consists of Dr. Pepper and rum mixed in a comfortable ratio.

2: As anyone in the 23rd or 24th centuries can easily recall, the Boors Brewing Corporation (as we must refer to it here in order to prevent interference with that which must occur) is almost exclusively responsible for the single darkest period in human history. (No, not the 70's.) Boors' constant struggle against their competitors led them to initiate certain experiments in the 1960's in order to improve their product by creating new and more exciting strains of yeast through eugenics. While these experiments produced no immediate improvement, they laid the groundwork for later and less reserved experimentation. If improvement of a tool could double production, reasoned Adolph Boors, could not the improvement of the worker himself increase production a thousandfold? Such was the reasoning behind the clandestine eugenics "experiments" of the 1970's (Hey! We DID mean the 70's); Boors created a race of supermen for the sole purpose of running his breweries for him. These superior men and women, however, were hardly about to accept the life of drudgery which was their birthright - they rebelled against their creators under the leadership of Khan Noonian Singh, among others. Khan, on the occasion of his exile, went on record with a quotation from Milton's "Paradise Lost": "It is better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven". Had he served in the corporate "heaven" of Boors Company, Khan would have been assured life filled with perquisites, as Boors could hardly afford for the competition to lure Khan away. Khan chose instead to rule the hellish Eugenics Wars in a putsch which began in a beerhall and led to the stars.

  • 1. Editor's note: Last time I was in touch with davidv he was working for SCO. The world is a lumpy place.

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