I see stupid people... all the time... they walk around like everyone else... they don't even know they're stupid.
Have you ever read or otherwise heard of a saying that made you stop and think, "now that's dumb"? Me too. Here's a few.
I could care less. So, you care? What you want to say is I couldn't care less.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. Unless, you know, your grass is the more blue kind. This is more a self-fulfilling prophecy than anything.
It's always in the last place I look! No shit, sherlock. I usually stop looking for things when I find them, too.
There's plenty of other fish in the sea. That's nice. The problem is that there's a limited number of salmon, and an endless supply of tuna - and I have expensive tastes.
I used to feel bad because I had no shoes - then I met a man who had no feet. Steven Wright finishes this one off with "so I stole his shoes", and I think he's on the right track. So what if someone is worse off than you are? It doesn't mean your life is peaches and cream. Or even peaches, which are pretty good by themselves.
You can't have your cake and eat it too. Actually, you can't eat your cake, and have it too. Well, you can, because I can "have" a piece of cake, in terms of eating it. Just a stupid saying all around.
Better the devil you know than the devil you don't. Actually it seems like not bad advice, it's best to know if something is going to sneak up and bite you on the ass so you can try to be prepared. I'm just wondering how that one squares off with Ignorance is Bliss. Now that one's not a stupid saying...
More whatever than you can shake a stick at. I dunno, I can shake a stick at pretty much any quantity of anything.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it! It would be good advice, except it's applied to all kinds of situations to which, well, it doesn't apply. In particular it usually means "the duct tape is holding it together, so why fix it properly?" This question is usually asked about five minutes before something explodes.
Nobody goes there anymore, its too crowded. Thanks, Yogi Berra. Truly a brilliant comment. Not that he was the first guy to ever say it, but he gets stuck with the credit. You win!
Remember the Alamo. Yeah, I remember, it's a place where a small force of white guys, sitting on some land that they effectively stole from the Mexicans, killed thousands of those lovable little brown guys before finally being overrun and killed themselves. My memory will, hopefully, keep me out of such situations, but that's not what the saying is supposed to mean.
If it was easy, everybody would be doing it. Yeah, unless they listened to assholes like you.
A broken clock is right twice a day. Unless it's digital. Then it's just off, or it's never right. I guess that one used to make more universal sense.
If wishes were fishes, we'd all cast nets. Some of us can't catch a fish with an electrified fish-catching machine.
If the river were whiskey, we'd all drink wine. Speak for yourself.
Nobody ever said life was fair. Uh, yes they did. Just about everyone did, actually. Ever heard of Heaven? Or Karma? How about the phrase "Just Desserts"? (that's another stupid one, but it's too short to mess with any further.) People say life is fair all the damned time.
Your call is important to us, please continue to hold. I don't think I need to even say anything except *click*
Colder than a witch's tits in a brass braziere. What witches were wandering around wearing brass armor with nothing underneath? All the witch's tits I've ever countered were anything but cold. By the same token, although I've never felt the applicable portion of one's body,
Colder than a well digger's ass would seem to make little sense given the physical exertion involved in digging holes in the ground. Maybe if they appended "In Alaska" to the end of it, in which case, it would just be way too long, like this sentence, and would make no sense to anyone.
Bobby is no longer with us. Yeah, or anyone else. Unless of course you believe in religion:
Bobby went to a better place. So why haven't you gone there yet?
They don't make them like they used to. Thank god. If they did, we'd all be getting 10 miles per gallon in vehicles a third as safe as what we're driving now, we'd be listening to eight tracks, and building with stone in earthquake zones.
Where there's smoke, there's fire. I wasn't aware this had become one of the laws of physics, myself. I know of lots of situations that involve smoke that do not involve open flame.
Think outside the box. Well, this building is a box. Does that mean go outside?
A bargain at twice the price. If it were, then it would probably be marked up, oh I don't know, a hundred percent? Most businesses aren't too interested in selling things below market value.
A smart cookie. I've never had a cookie that contained brains. 'Nuff said.
It's raining cats and dogs. Meow! *splat* Woof! *splat*
With apologies to George Carlin:
Down the tubes. As George said, "I haven't seen tube one."
It is what it is. Right. Because otherwise, it would be something else.
Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. What? Ships aren't safe in harbor. Being tied up during a big storm is a good way to be capsized, and ships at a dock are sitting targets in a naval engagement, so the saying doesn't work from any standpoint.
The early bird gets the worm. What if the worm sleeps in? Besides, I thought
the best things come to those who wait. Which is a bunch of bullshit, because the best things come to those who get out there and go get them.
I don't give a shit! Normally, when you care about something or someone, is your first inclination to make a donation of feces?
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things. Unless, you know, you're into that. The first half makes good universal sense, though.
Some of the best things in life are free. I'm not as funny as Maddox. Go see what he has to say about this one (and some others I'll avoid here.)
Life is short. Maybe, but it's the longest thing you'll ever do.
Knowledge is power. Actually, knowledge is knowledge. It is a nice prelude to power, though. If knowledge is power, how come the geeks and nerds aren't running the world?
Whatever doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Unless you lose a limb.
I'm/You're not getting any younger. Well, when time runs backwards, let me know. Until then, yeah, this is pretty much the assumption I'm working under.
Always expect the unexpected. Right. I'm also going to use my hindsight before something bad happens, since it's 20/20. (Now that's a good saying.)
You've got me! Great. I'm sending you to the dog food factory with the other lame animals.
Square pegs don't fit in round holes. They do if you have a hammer, which as we all know, makes everything look like a nail. (I think that's another good saying though, so I'll leave that one alone.)
That's neither here nor there. So uh, where the hell is it? I thought that maybe saying it would bring it here, but I guess it's not here, or over there for that matter.
I'd buy that for a dollar. I'm sorry, is that your final offer?
Same difference Either it's the same, or it's different.
It's only a game. This is usually used to try to placate someone who just lost because someone else cheated. If it's "only a game", and you don't actually care about it, then why play? Because all the other kids are doing it?
If the other kids jumped off a bridge, would you do it too? That's a stupid question. Most kids probably would.
I slept like a baby. So you mean you were up three times in the night, twice because you shit yourself and once just due to pee?
I slept like a rock. And I'm still laying there as still as ever. See also:
I slept like a log.
Cheaters never prosper. Uh, yeah. That's why our current president was never elected, but is currently in the middle of his second term.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. As far as I know, men and women are from the same place, or the odds of them being able to make babies together would be pretty damned slim.
He has a mind like a steel trap. Dangerous, and hard to open.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. That, or it leads to an affair.
All's fair in love and war. So it's okay that you had that affair, and now it's okay that I shoot you.
Actions speak louder than words. Especially if that action is speech.
Any friend of yours is a friend of mine. Unless he's an asshole.
As (whatever) as the day is long. First of all, anywhere but the equator this varies over the course of the year. Second of all, a day isn't a particularly long time. If you're as beautiful as the day is long, based on the human lifespan, you're seriously fugly.
You can never go home again. Which is exactly what I tend to do when I get off work. And of course,
there's no place like home - unless you live in a prefab, or an apartment complex. Then there's tons of places just like home.
Beauty is only skin deep. Not true, especially in old age; the way you tend to hold your face determines the pattern of your wrinkles. When your mom told you "if you keep making that face, some day it will freeze that way", she was right! Which is why that saying didn't make this list.
Before you were even a gleam in your father's eye is a seriously jacked up thing to say to a product of rape or other unwanted child, but it must certainly happen on a daily basis, and then some.
Bend over backwards, as in to please/help someone; How exactly does bending over backwards provide any assistance to anyone in any situation? I can see how someone else's bending over forwards might conceivably make my day...
That's better than a kick in the teeth, or
a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, or anything like that: That's nice. However, a kick in the teeth isn't on the menu.
The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Yeah, on top of you. This was a tactic I employed to great advantage in junior high school. If someone jumps on your back, the best thing you can do is reach back and grab one arm and one leg, then fall over in their direction, which is to say backwards. There's an alternate saying that makes more sense that says
the bigger they are, the harder they hit.
That's just blowing smoke. Which is actually more substantial than words, thus pretty much invalidating the whole idea of the saying.
Built like a brick shithouse. Only a man could ever believe that this would actually be praise to a woman, because you know how women love being compared to bathrooms.
Bury the hatchet - and you only get three guesses as to where I bury it. If you get it right, I'll chop your head off quickly instead of making small strokes.
You can't judge a book by its cover. Unless, say, you're trying to differentiate between the autobiography of the Marquis de Sade, and the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language.
I can't say enough good things about him. Is there a minimum requirement?
It's a poor workman that blames his tools. Oh yeah? When the handle falls off and the head of a hammer comes back and hits me in the forehead, I'm going to complain.
The rain's coming down in buckets. In which case, look out for falling buckets.
Cowboy Up (or similar, whatever-up) It means to be tough but cool, or something like that, to be like the stereotypical cowboy ideal, which never existed in the first place. Most of the time when you see this it's on the back of one of your typical oilfield-depleting giant 4x4 pickup trucks or SUVs that will never leave pavement, and it's accompanied by a picture of a guy wearing chaps, which for people who aren't actually riding horses is about the gayest article of clothing possible. Not that there's anything wrong with that, except that the people with these stickers are almost uniformly homophobic.
Crime doesn't pay. In a world filled with counterexamples, not the least of which is politics, who's going to believe this shit?
That doesn't cut the mustard. What? This must have something to do with the mustard plant, because if your condiment mustard is solid, it's time to throw it away.
As cute as a button. Buttons aren't typically all that cute unless they're little animal head buttons on your hello kitty sweater.
Dead as a doornail - items which are described as dead must be first living, else they are simply inert, meaning unmoving.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thank god, I have different standards than those of the general populace, and I do lots of things they wouldn't do. I also don't do lots of things they would, maybe I should give them this advice.
Don't look back. Also known as
Let's put the past behind us. Too bad
those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it which is much better advice.
Dressed to kill - That's right, I'm wearing my body armor and I've got my rifle on my back. I'm dressed to kill! Actually, most people who are planning to kill people try to be inconspicuous, so they can get away with it.
Drunk as a skunk - I don't know of too many skunk-owned and operated distilleries. I don't think they're even allowed to buy alcohol. How many skunk years to the human year are there, anyway? Basing a saying on the fact that it rhymes suggests that Bobby McFerrin is the best musician EVER.
Dry as a bone - but we tend to give our dogs a "nice juicy bone". What a stupid language.
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. Let me tell you, I get up early and go to bed early, and I'm still of mediocre health, poor as hell... And here I am, talking shit about the wisdom of the ages.
Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while. Remember that one about the stopped clock? This one's stupid because what a blind squirrel finds is a set of talons wrapped around his belly (or stuck through it) as he gets carried off to feed some gigantic bird's adorable, peeping babies.
Every cloud has a silver lining. I guess this might have made sense in the dark ages when people (but only ignorant people, mind you) thought the world was flat and they would fall off. Clouds must have looked like pillows or something, not ionically-bound collections of water vapor. The only clouds that hold a silver lining that I know of are the ones that have a riverload of herring (or another fish) dropped through them by an errant tornado.
An eye for an eye - makes the whole world blind, according to Gandhi.
Head over heels in love. This is the normal arrangement when a human is standing.
As easy as falling off a log. How did this become the metric by which we measure difficulty?
Go the extra mile. If it's extra, then it's unnecessary, and I just wasted my time; about 12 minutes, if I'm walking. I could use that time for a smoke break.
A good beginning makes a good ending. Anyone who's read much knows this is a bunch of crap.
Good fences make good neighbors. On the other hand, if you have good neighbors, you don't need good fences.
A good man is hard to find. Of course, that's only because most people base their initial assumption of someone's worth on appearance. Ladies, I'm talking to you.
Happy as a clam. Just precisely how happy are clams anyway? Personally, I'd be kind of upset if some larger beings were apparently bent on committing genocode against my race in the name of chowder in a bread bowl. At least
Happy as a Lark makes some sense, since they're always singing. (Of course, they're birds. That's what they do. Even when they're pissed off it's more musical than most animals.)
He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword. History is chock-full of counterexamples.
Give one hundred and ten percent. Need I explain?
(something or other) is Money. This means something is great. It's like saying something is pussy, except that already means coward for some reason, so we had to say "money" instead.
Going to hell in a handbasket must be somehow related to
Christ in a Sidecar (aka
Jumpin' Jesus on a Pogo Stick.) What all three of these sayings have in common is an item whose providence and purpose are utterly unexplained.
Here's your hat, what's your hurry? This is a prime example of the stupidity of colloquial sayings in English, because it means go away. The simple fact is that you should avoid sarcasm in mixed company because you never know if the recipient of your witticism is even going to comprehend what the fuck you're saying. If English is their second (or later) language, this is going to confuse the hell out of them.
in hog heaven. That's right, you too can wallow in mud and shit, and eat food scraps and slop out of a trough for all eternity. Damn, where do I sign?
I beg to differ. I have to admit that I say this, but it's no longer necessary what with the freedom of speech and all, at least around these parts.
I hate to say this, but... Oh yeah? Then why don't you shut your pie-hole?
I second that! What, are we in a meeting? I move you piss off. Seconded?
I wasn't born yesterday. No kidding? That explains your fully formed palate that enables you to express "thoughts" like that one. Still, it's better than
I was born at night, but not last night which is usually stated by people born while the sun is shining, and about a trillion times better than
I didn't just fall off the turnip truck. I mean, turnip truck? WTF? I've heard of and even seen the milkman even in this day and age, the newspaper truck rolls through daily, but the turnip truck somehow misses my neighborhood.
Idle hands are the devil's workshop. Yeah, that's why I spend every idle moment masturbating.
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand/million/more times. No, actually, if you've said it once, you've said it once.
If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Or open a window.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. A favorite of the George W. Bush, Jr. administration.
I'll bet dollars to donuts that... ...this saying makes no sense. Especially today, when there is not a lot of difference in value between the two.
Killed in cold blood... but cooked in bernaise sauce?
In two shakes of a lamb's tail. Just how long does it take for a lamb to shake its tail? And is this two shakes, or two episodes of shaking? This is absolutely critical information if you want to find out just how long a period of time this is.
It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings. Unless you're at the opera, then that's how you know it's starting.
Is there anything else this obvious that you feel compelled to tell me? I'd like to blind and deafen myself first.
It's not over 'til it's over.
It takes two to tango. This saying means that in any relationship, both sides must choose to participate in order for anything to occur. This is patently untrue in the case of mugger-muggee, slaveowner-slave, bully-some poor little kid, and numerous other relationships. In other words, yet another crock of shit.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's just fun.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog. There's some truth to this, but when the bigger dog is big enough to pick up the smaller dog and literally throw him by flipping his head to the side, well, I'm not sure it applies any more. (Refer back to
The bigger they are, the harder they fall for complete thoughts on this one.)
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. Well, that's one possible philosophy. However, if it's not whether you win or lose, why do we have championships? Because IT'S ABOUT WINNING. kthx.
It's what's on the inside that counts. I'd have to say that depends primarily on what your purpose is. When it comes to selecting, say, the star of an adult film, I'd have to disagree.
I've had it up to here! Where? What?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. Yeah, and a nap of a thousand minutes begins with the first snore. Wake me up when you get back.
Love is blind. In the immortal words of Dana Colley (now deceased, formerly of the band Morphine):
Why can't love be blind? / Instead it's just a blind man cryin' / why can't love be, why can't love be blind... Or put another way, blind love is utterly incompatible with
Love at First Sight.
Keep/Put your nose to the grindstone. Personally, I rather like my nose, and don't think it would improve in appearance were I to remove it from my face. In fact, that would be awfully like cutting off my nose to spite my face, nyuk nyuk.
Kit and Kaboodle - We all know what a kit is. No one knows what a kaboodle is. Actually, it's a caboodle, which is just a purely american bastardization of boodle, which in turn is a Dutch word meaning "property".1 Now why would you want to use a saying that no one actually understands?
I know it like the back of my hand. How well do you actually know the back of your hand? Would you recognize your hand in a lineup of similar hands?
I know which side my bread is buttered on. Yeah, the side that hits the floor when you drop your toast. How this came to mean you know where your interests lie is beyond me.
A leopard doesn't change his spots. Good thing people aren't leopards.
There's a light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, and it's always an oncoming train. (I guess railroad people aren't into unbounded optimism, but they're a superstitious bunch to begin with.)
Lightning never strikes the same place twice. Uh, yes it does. In fact, a single lightning strike is actually made up of repeated arcs between clouds and land, so in a single lightning strike, lightning strikes the same place over and over again. Physics to the rescue!
Like shooting fish in a barrel. You mean, stupid? Just tip the damned thing over, and pick up the fish.
A little birdie told me. Did he also tell you that you're about to get a swift kick in the ass if you don't tell me his name?
By the skin of your teeth. Typically, skin on one's teeth is a sign of poor dental hygeine.
A Mexican standoff - this means an irreconcilable difference, where parties cannot agree. How exactly did the Mexicans get the reputation for stubbornness? Of all my relatives, the Mexicans are the most easygoing...
Money can't buy happiness. True, but it can rent it.
Money can't buy love. True, but not having money can definitely put a crimp in your style.
Money doesn't grow on trees. No, but if it did, what with the way we treat forests, it would certainly solve the inflation problem.
Money makes the world go round. I thought that was inertia left over from the original formation of the solar system?
Money is the root of all evil. People were killing each other and whatnot before anyone even thought money up in the first place; money is actually a relatively recent advance in civilization. And finally,
Money out the wazoo, where money is generally not kept by people concerned with sanitation.
The more things change, the more they stay the same. Actually, the more things change, the less they stay the same. What this saying actually means is that superficial changes that look important are actually irrelevant, which is why it didn't mean shit when McDonalds dropped the plastic fake wood floor tiles for ceramic. It's still the same shitty Le Big Mac.
Naked as a jaybird. Birds have feathers, which cover them up.
A new lease on life. This makes sense if you're a slave, or you're in debtor's prison, or perhaps you get out of the latter and into indentured servitude (the former.) Otherwise, I personally consider myself to own myself, at least insofar as it preempts the possibility of anyone else owning me.
No pain, no gain. More accurately,
No pain, no pain.
I'm on fire! No, that monk on the cover of the self-titled Rage Against the Machine album is on fire. You're a chump.
Opportunity doesn't knock twice. Actually, insofar as it is a valid concept, opportunity doesn't knock at all, it must be made. It's really an invalid concept, however, since if you are able and not already doing your best, you have opportunity for improvement.
A real toad strangler - I've never heard this one before, but apparently it's a euphemism for severe rainfall. Of course, strangling means choking or throttling, not drowning or otherwise asphyxiating, and so this is, to say the least, stupid.
Don't reinvent the flat tire means don't make the same mistake twice. What mistake? Driving?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. So what's the road to heaven paved with, malice?
Second banana - why not, say, strawberry? Or grape?
Separate the men from the boys. I hear this was quite difficult in ancient Greece. I've known plenty of adults who were worthless; this is pure arrogance.
Shit-eating grin - Should I ever be in such a position, that will probably not be the look on my face.
Short end of the stick. This will be a complicated concept for people, but primarily linear objects don't have a short end. They do have a small end, though.
Show him the door. This means to escort them out. Literally showing the door requires little more than pointing. As far as I can tell the phrase was originally "show him to the door" but Americans are notoriously lazy.
I need that I like I need a hole in my head is like that too; it's like I need another hole in my head, which is to say, not at all. It's amazing how when you botch something like this, you can actually invert the meaning completely.
(such and such) smells ripe means that it smells foul. When fruit smells ripe, it usually smells its best. I hate this language.
Well, I'll be a son of a gun. Actually, this is the kiddie/puritan version of "I'll be a son of a bitch." Neither one makes amazing amounts of sense but the kids' version is always stupid.
Spare the rod, and spoil the child. Ah yes, the famous testament to child abuse. Here's a hint: the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and humans are primates, that learn by example.
Stick a fork in it - sometimes appended with "it's done." The idea is that one is finished eating, although it is applied to other situations with increased frequency. Possibly a habit borrowed from the Chinese, who also invented the (eating) fork; one does not stick one's chopsticks into one's food unless one is done. (Otherwise they go on a stand on the table, or on the side of one's plate.) Regardless, who sticks their fork in their food when they're done? In this country, the plate is customarily clean when one is done eating. Unless you're in a Dennison's chili commercial, lay your damned fork down like everyone else.
Take a leak,
take a crap etc etc. Where were you planning to take it? Personally, I like to leave it behind.
take your life into your own hands means to do something dangerous, but my life is normally in my hands. About the only time it isn't is if you're physically restrained. It sort of implies that you're taking your life out of God's hands, which within a religious framework is pretty much impossible, thus it is arrogant, thus it is stupid.
Takes the cake - another one Carlin pretty much covered. Short form: Where do you take it?
That really gets my goat. What goat? What is it doing to my goat? That's disgusting.
That's the sixty-four thousand dollar question. That stupid show went off the air for a reason. It sucked. Let it go.
There ought to be a law against that. Call of the populist, republican, and democrat alike, this is the attitude that's been destroying our country.
Things aren't what they used to be. And they never were. Nostalgia is a kind of mental illness.
The Third time's the Charm. Why the third? Why not the second or fourth time? Besides, we have another saying,
Accidents happen in threes.
Tying the knot refers to marriage, but that practice went away when we stopped handfasting, a ceremony like marriage but initiating a social contract typically lasting a year and a day, during which the partners' right hands are tied together, presumably until they reach their bed.
Tilting at windmills - another fine example of this phenomenon. Tilting is jousting, as in, with a lance. I think probably more people joust on segways than on horseback these days.
Like a bat out of hell - maybe bats would be comfortable there? Have you ever actually seen a bat depart hell? I thought not.
Wake up on the wrong side of the bed. What is this, Twilight Zone? Am I going to get Aphasia? I packed the children's Elephant! I swear!
The way to a Man's heart is through his stomach. Not true; a literal read suggests that the answer would be "his ribcage" but in keeping with the spirit of these things, the truth is "through his zipper."
Tie one on - to become intoxicated with alcohol. Tie what, on where? It does suggest, however, an asian-themed bar called the Taiwan Inn, though.
Born in a barn applies to people who don't close the door, but telling them that they must have been born in one is something like
Closing the barn door after the horses get out. Actually, it isn't, but that saying does illustrate how stupid the first one is.
You don't miss the water until the well runs dry. Yeah, because you can't miss something if you have it, because missing something requires that it be gone. We already have a perfectly good saying
You don't know what you have until it's gone that says what this saying tries to say. Let's give it the retroactive abortion it so richly deserves.
You're going to get it! Oh really? Lucky me! What do I get?
Only in America... ...would someone think that shit happens "Only in America".
If you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me. Don't worry.
A watched pot never boils. Amazingly, it boils the same time as an unwatched pot. This ain't quantum physics.
After the rain comes the rainbow. And after the A-bomb comes the mushroom cloud.
Been around the block a few times. Maybe they like to jog?
I'm going to chew you a new asshole! All I can say is "that's disgusting."
Cleanliness is next to godliness. Right. I'm sure that Hitler got up and took a shower every morning.
It's darkest before the dawn. Actually, it isn't. There's more reflected (actually refracted) light right before the dawn. Nice try though.
Don't make me do something I'll regret. What? If I've got a remote control for you, I'm not aware of it, but I'd sure like to find it.
Every dog has its day. It's simply unclear if it's a day of victory, or a day when it gets put down.
If man were meant to fly, we'd have wings. This actually made sense once, although it was just as provincial then. Now, it makes no sense whatsoever. A nice cautionary tale both to the coiners of phrases and the historians who have to decipher them later.
I'm going to clean your clock might be more accurate if it said I'd break it.
It's a jungle out there. We don't actually have any jungle in this country, although we do have some rainforest.
Tits-up means dead or otherwise ruined, but drowning victims (the only people who customarily flip over at the time of death) float face down. Perhaps it means something more like "flat on your back", but that means impaired, not dead.
Love and hate are two horns on the same goat. Slogan, national association of beastialists.
Mind like a sieve means you forget everything, but a sieve traps what you want, and discards only the undesirables (in theory.)
Nervous as a whore in church. Yeah, the church hates the competition when it comes to fucking you out of money.
Burning the candle at both ends means staying up all night, but lighting both ends of the candle, besides making it hard to get it into the holder, would make it burn twice as fast, and you'd be up half as long.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Usually delivered by some sanctimonious prick in order to comfort someone dismayed at mass deaths and the like.
Don't make assumptions: it makes an ASS out of U and ME. Actually, just U, when U say that. I prefer Samuel Jackson's line in The Long Kiss Goodnight:
Don't make assumptions. It makes an ass out of you, and umption.
To err is human; to forgive, divine. To err is human? Have you ever seen a platypus? Or George W. Bush?
...and finally, when someone confuses a quote with a saying, that's pretty damned stupid. All you people out there in webland with my hits in your logs, you know who you are. A quote is something that someone said, that is formally attributed to them. A saying is something that's become part of the cultural landscape of language, and is usually impossible to trace back to a precise first source, although there are notable exceptions. HTH, HAND.